2004-11-23T13:06:00.000-08:00

Tired of damn blogspot and its stupid rules.

Back to blogger at: www.amende.blogger.com.br

hyvasti

2004-11-22T13:41:00.000-08:00

"This is the End, expect no mercy, just understand, Endorama comes for you" --- Endorama/Tilo Wolff+Kreator
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Bloody hell. I'm still trying to fix the codes, and still no luck. It's ok to work a little bit, since I really have nothing else to do right now (or never). Well, that's not the real reason why I' m so down and pissed off right now. You read this because you're all great friends of mine, so I think you have the right to know: I'm panicking. I'm seriously panicking.

Let me explain: I'm the most selfish, self-absorved, independence freak, evil, cruel, stupid, and have I said selfish? person on this planet. I was never free. Who knows me well knows why. My whole life I lived bound to my mother's psychosis. Anywho...the problem is...how the hell is everyone expecting ME to take care of a child? Really? I hate children! Ok, it'll be my own baby and all, but that's just another excuse for my mother to impose her psycho control over me (if you think I'm overreacting, you really don't know her). I mean, seriously, I'm still young as hell, I still haven't experienced everything I wanted (no, drugs, sex and rock and roll are forever - not just experimentation) and well...I'm just not ready. I don't know how this is gonna end. I just know I'm going crazy every minute that goes by...

My English truly sucks, I know. But it's hard for me, after having to practise only portuguese, german and finnish for the past years. I forgot how to write some stuff. But hopefully, I'll recover. Hopefully.

Thank God I guess tomorrow I'll go do something with my friends. Hell, I do miss them a lot more than I thought I would.

Oh and this little reminder is for someone (no you guys don't know him) who is making my nights very special, indeed. It's been long since the last time I saw him, lost in a far away continent, waving goodbye with tears in his eyes, because I had betrayed him. I didn't believe his feelings, I didn't believe his honesty. If only I had listened to that little voice inside of me, that was screaming for me to let go...to let go of this life, of the pain, of everything else. I'd have been better off then. First I wouldn't be in this country, that' d have been wonderful enough. Secondly, I wouldn't be pregnant. Thirdly, I'd be in college. and fourth...I'd be away from this mad house. And wouldn't have met HIM and ruined my life once and for all. But enough with the "what ifs". With this guy there's no chance anymore. He seems to be very happy with the life he's living and who am I to interrupt anyone's happiness with my shitty problems? But this, this is what reminds me of him, this single phrase: "You showed up to turn my days into endless nights."

On with the reminder...

"[...]



The song in my mind

Once so pure and light

Now suddenly lost it's rhythm

Tones out of tune

Was it your leaving

That caused disharmony?



Now I have a collection of you

Though I can't restore

Every memory of us

Tons of pictures - letters

Written in love - but you're more

The moment you stepped out

My heart left with you

I lessened living - unreturnable

I remember your closeness

Never leaving me in vain



[...]



I long for your love

Thirst for your kiss

Is this human

You're only making me alive?" [Senses]

Oh that whole thing makes me cry...I'm tired of crying.






Yesterday me and Bia were laughing like two mad idiots about the "Finnish curse".

She has no Finnish ancestry but she has her own problems with her "Italian, Portugue

and Spanish curse". I have mine with Finnish, German and Russian.




It's simple, ever since I found out where I came from, I only focused on Germany and

always wondered from WHERE I got this tiny unexisting eyes, huge nose, big boned short

structure, round square face (you finns know) and this whitish blonde hair.




Well, now I know how I came up with that. The damn Finnish curse. The big nose, the

tiny eyes, the damn hole in the middle of the chin and the round square face.

I thought I had only 1/3 of Finnish blood. Turns out my grandparents and greatgrandpa

rents and who knows what else from my mother's side all came from Kitee.Niiice.

So I'm about half Finnish half German. From Germany I got only the hair. The bones are

Russian, lol.




And she was complaining about the black eyes, olive skin and short structure of South

Italians. And the Portuguese nose. Lol. We all have issues.




But there're good things about that too ;) Anne Nurmi is Finnish! lol. And hell, she

has got the biggest nose I've ever seen. She's so beautiful in the promo pictures

but the normal ones, you can see the Finnish curse lol. But I still would kill to have

her eyes. Tarja Turunem has got the Finnish curse in the highest level I've ever seen

in someone. But at least she escaped the nose. But the square face and the short

chubby figure...go figure.




Finns rule! (regaining pride lol)




Examples of the curse:








Yeah, finnish curse or not, I'd still kill to look like her. Some people say I do, lol. They're just too kind

And to be married to Tilo Wolff... hell, it would be non-stop sex 24/7. And music.

And nice philosophical ramblings...hell, she's lucky...;)




Gotta go




hyvasti




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Listening to --- Depeche mode --- Strange Love

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2004-11-21T21:28:00.000-08:00

"Sensing your closeness...never leaving me alone..." --- Senses/Lacrimosa
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_sick and tired of codes. My brain is about to collapse.

_on with the news...mom left today for a congress. That means I'll have the whole week for mtself (as if that changed anything). My father's acting weird just like last week. Why do I put up with that?

_drawing, drawing and drawing some more. The only thought crossing my mind right now is "draw, make clothes, sell, ear money, get studio time"... I don't think that's healthy, lol.

_if you feel offended that I'm writing in English, hell, I can write in Finnish if you wish. But I guess that'd be worst for some people. I started this blog so I could run away from some idiots from the past. Not the good idiots, those I wish I had kept in contact...

_oh yeah, like I promised: ei Harhaisku aivan -lta te. hankkia ei elatus asettua yhteyteen , I-KIRJAIN osata , ainoastaan etta on koska I-KIRJAIN hankkia koristeltu ei aika , merkityksellisyys on oikeastaan fullfiling. I-KIRJAIN halu te lennattaa we kirjekortti model after Joulu. I-KIRJAIN jalkisaados ei olla astuva jotta Haarahaukka nyt kuluva ika , kurja. Ainoastaan I-KIRJAIN lempia aivan -lta te. Koska ajaksi minun musiikki , hiljentaa tyoskentely model after se. Koettaminen jotta kaupata kamppeet jotta ansaita jokin ateljee aika. Kummuta , hyvasti ja suudelma!

_still working on info from bands. Wish someone would call me back. They all say they love my singing but then turn away when I say I have a baby to take care of. Hypocrits.

Finally proud of my Finnish background....eeek.

Well... hyvasti.

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Listening to --- Lacrimosa --- Apart
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Goticismo Oitentista v.1.0